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it's been a while... [12 Sep 2008|05:14pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Wow, it's been a while since i've updated this thing. I doubt that anyone really reads this thing...oh well.

I got married! and i got a new job! those are two exciting things.

I feel like i can't stop thinking that something is going to go wrong. I dont know why, but i can't get the thought out of my head. It's kind of like when you notice a spider on the wall and then you can't stop seeing it.

The thing is nothing bad has happened. You would think if i was worrying about things, it would be because i have reason to worry like a cheating issue or mistreatment. But i really dont... My husband is wonderful to me. He loves me, I love him. He treats me how I should be treated, even better! He's sweet, caring, and understanding. Yet, I can't help thinking that something will happen to throw off everything i know.

Not that he would cheat on me or hurt me. I guess i'm just afraid of falling out of love. it's one of those big "what if" questions.

Getting married is a big step. Changing my name. all that stuff that goes with it. It's scary. I used to have anxiety attacks before the wedding, just because of the fact that there's no backup plan when it comes to marriage. you put all of your chips in, not really knowing what all of the cards are.

I'm so afraid that we will end up miserable (like my parents).

I wish other people felt this way. I feel like if someone else were to say that they were feeling the same way at some point, i'd feel better about everything.

how can i stop feeling like this? I need to just get these thoughts out of my head. I had these same types of feelings two weeks before the wedding. I thought they were jitters. (which they were), but i didn't have jitters until about 2 weeks before the wedding. then i had some jitters until after the wedding (honeymoon etc). It's not like im thinking "holy cow, i got married, what was i thinking??" it's nothing like that! I'm happy to be married. I love my husband. I know he loves me. But i feel like im afraid that something bad might happen. It's like, I can't let myself just be happy and not worry so much about the future.

any advice would be greatly appreciated...

4 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

[29 Oct 2007|09:30pm]
my new motto...

life is tough. wear a helmet.
You read my eyes just like your diary

[13 May 2007|09:58pm]
[ mood | tired ]

im really crazy busy right about now...

i start my training for my summer job, which i'm a little frothy about having to have (since i'd like a summer vacation) tomorrow. Frothy is the new word i've been using as of today. it's kind of like salty. but more in the "getting worked up about it" sort of way.

Ok, so i have training Monday -Thursday for the next two weeks. At least I get paid, but it's 4 hours every night! oiy. and it's in cleveland. double oiy.

This coming weekend Matt and I are going to Toledo for his cousin's baptism and grandpa's memorial service. Matt's grandma passed away at the beginning of April. and about one month later, his grandfather passed away. I'm really sad about it. :( i've never had a grandfather before (mine either died before i was born or when i was 3), so i was really looking forward to getting to know him. He was such a nice man. Everytime I saw him, he would tell me how nice it was to see me. At least I was able to spend a short amount of time with him.

in 20 days from today (3 weeks from yesterday), i'll be moving out. I have to sort through my piles of stuff to figure out what will be worth packing up and bringing to the new place and what i can either give away or throw away. It's exciting, but we still need to get furniture, and i hate spending money now that i'll have to pay rent.

i'm trying to find a new job for next year, filling out applications, making up letters of intent, etc. Unfortunately, it's difficult not to get discouraged when there aren't alot of postings for this area.

At least i'll have this position for next year. It doesn't pay much, but it's better than nothing. Unfortunately, my school district might go on strike, which totally blows. I wont get paid this summer (again, another good reason for the summer job)

And then there's that whole wedding thing, which i've done nothing with. at this point, it's the last thing on my mind. not that i wouldn't LOVE to spend all my time thinking about it and doing the fun girlie stuff, i really just dont have the time.

i apologize to everyone whom i've lost contact with over the past year. I know i suck. my life is a little hectic right now.

it's difficult finding out who your real friends are...

2 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

i'm known for quickies... [22 Apr 2007|09:42pm]
Officially set a date...June 28, 2008!

I got a summer job. And i still get paid during the summer. So I'll be able to hopefully make some money.

Attempting to find a job for next school year. Trying to be diligent and get these monotonous applications filled out.

Visiting Witt this coming weekend. very pumped about that! :)

That is all
You read my eyes just like your diary

[31 Mar 2007|11:35pm]
having some major problems with attempting to find a reception hall. and with trying to figure out plans for summer...

please wish me luck...i appreciate support.

more updates later...lots to say, and no time to say it in...
3 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

[05 Dec 2006|07:10am]
this thing is very difficult to keep up to date, since i can't access this site at work...

today is my first Initial IEP meeting. eeeek! little nervous...just cuz it's my first one for a student who is newly identified in reading, writing, AND math. Don't ask me where i'm going to be putting him in my already full schedule. I really have no idea!

one good thing about today is that i dont have to go to the middle school at all today :) yay! not that i dont like it, but one less stressor in my day.

And the fourth and fifth graders have a holiday thingie today too. some kind of a performance. i can't wait!!! :)

alright, better grab my coffee to go and head off for my 40 minute drive to work. (it's really getting old, having to drive this much. and the fact that rumor has it that gas will be up to $4/gal next year. oiy)

have a
You read my eyes just like your diary

[29 Nov 2006|06:13pm]
wow...am i seriously getting married??

that's just nuts!

sorry, i just need to share. That and the fact i haven't seen/heard from the boy in a couple of days. I miss him. alot.

I'm so ready for life to just pick up and go.

Is it summer vacation yet?!?!?!
2 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

seeking advice... [29 Oct 2006|08:09pm]
I need advice.

Do you think couples should live with each other before they're married? Yes/No? Why/Why not? This subject is just so difficult for me because I was brought up as, you move in once you're married. Nowadays though, times have changed and it is more and more common.

Please give me your thoughts on this. I need some input!
2 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

Here's the whole story [26 Oct 2006|06:32am]
[ mood | loved ]

Matt and I started dating April 1, 2005 when he took me to the Kappa Delta formal. Ever since, it's been an awesome time. Our first "official" date was to a Japanese Steakhouse (Shinto) once I returned home from school. (May 27 to be exact...and no, I didn't remember that, but it comes into play later in the story)

Well, ever since I started my job teaching and while he's working at Red Lobster as well as going to school, the only day we have off at the same time are Wednesdays. Those are our "date nights". Usually we'll make dinner but sometimes we'll go out.

Well, on Monday night, Matt called me after work. He mentioned Wednesday, as he usually does, and I asked if we were staying in and cooking or going out. He replied with "we're going out to eat" and left it at that. Now, he NEVER makes decisions that quickly. However, hindsight is always 20/20.

Wednesday comes along. I call him on my way home from work and let him know I'm still able to hang out. He said that we're still going out to dinner. He wouldn't tell me where until I said "Am I not supposed to know or something?" then he said "We're going at 6:30 to Shintos" So I knew I had to get someone dressed up. I asked why we were going so fancy and he said it was because we didn't do anything for Sweetest Day (since that was the same day as Brett and Cassi's wedding) Needless to say, dinner went AMAZINGLY. I love that place.

I asked what he had planned after that for the evening and he said just going back to his apartment to watch TV or a movie or something. We headed back to his place as planned. When we got there, he said "I have to run to the bathroom! Can you do me a favor? Check my mailbox for a key that Cassi and Brett left in there" (i have keys to his apartment). So I thought that was a little odd since he went to the restroom while we were at dinner. But alas, I complied. I got the key out then headed up the stairs...

I tried to open the door, and it was locked. Then he unlocked it and the entire room was dark and only lit by candles. All around were red rose petals on the floor and the chairs and the couch. On the coffee table were three bigger candles and a huge vase with tons of red and white roses in it.

I was in total shock. He went into a sort of explanation (mind you, i'm still standing in the doorway with my scarf and jacket and everything). He said there were 56 days between April first (formal) and our first official date at shintos, so he had 56 roses in the vase. (told you there were tons of roses! i aint lying!) Then he said from our first date at Shintos to today (10/25) there were 515 days, so he had counted out 515 rose petals and put them all over the place. I remember saying "Wow, this is all for sweetest day?!" while thinking to myself "my proposal is going to be amazing if he's putting this much into sweetest day!" haha...

I asked him if i could take my jacket and shoes off, so I headed over to the kitchen table area. I gave him some kisses and said thank you for all of this. Then I said "So what do you want to do now?" thinking he'd say watch TV or make out. Instead, he said "First I know I want to ask you a question" and he reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring box. All during this time, I'm freaking out in my head like "OMG, what's he doing? what's he reaching for? question? THE question?" He said "Sarah, Will you marry me?" and the first thing i said was "Are you serious?!" and he said "yes. I love you so much" or something along those lines (I was in total shock) then I said "Did you ask my parents?" and he said yes. Then I just started kissing him. He broke away long enough to say "so, is that a yes?" and I said yes.

There's the whole story. That little bugger has had the ring since APRIL. that's just crazy. He's had it for 6 months! He's very good at keeping secrets apparently. :)

I'm all smiles :) :)

6 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

life [16 Oct 2006|10:07pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

This is going to have to be short because I'm exhausted and it's a school night (passed 10)

where is my life headed? Only certain aspects concern me, and i honestly dont really know how to explain it right now...grad school? settling down? life in general has alot of twists and turns.

I want to move out, but I need a roommate for that...and things are getting complicated with that department.

My physical ailments have been acting up lately. Stress brings one on, so i need to learn how to relax.

Cassi and Brett's wedding is this weekend. I have to practice my reading. My dress is also a little bit too big. Which is great for me, but bad for pictures. oh well. I like the whole losing weight thing. I haven't stepped on a scale in months, but I was able to fit into my size 16 dress pants today (i wore size 20 all last year) so that was definitely a confidence booster.

On an even happier note, Matt and I went shopping. At a certain store. That sells shiny stuff. No purchases as of yet...Needless to say, I have very good taste (translation = $$$$)

That's about it in a nutshell. life is just...floating right now. Or at least I feel as though I am floating in it.

You read my eyes just like your diary

saw this on myspace, so i'm reposting it... [22 Sep 2006|09:21pm]
Why gays should not marry...

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.
You read my eyes just like your diary

etadpu [02 Sep 2006|03:40pm]
update spelled backwards. yeah. i'm feeling creative...

I'm alright. Thank you to everyone for your concern. My parents are just driving me crazy. not that I'm expecting anything to happen between the two of them because they've lasted this long. they are taking the "for better or worse" so seriously. Needless to say, they aren't happy. and it is incredibly difficult to be happy when the people you live with are MISERABLE. *sigh* oh well...

I'm in the process of attempting to look at apartments. We'll see how it goes. WIsh me luck!

*HUG* to everyone who reads this. I appreciate your comments.
You read my eyes just like your diary

i bolded what i can relate to... [29 Aug 2006|07:49pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Family Portrait

Momma please stop cryin, I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed

I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you

You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done
my family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't

Daddy please stop yellin, I can't stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you,
no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have
no choice, no way
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I've seen
I don't want love to destroy me like it did my

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes

I don't wanna have to split the holidays
don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her
last name

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally

1 eye| You read my eyes just like your diary

[26 Aug 2006|05:53pm]
When he yells and gets that sneer on his face, i know to run and hide.

He throws things in frustration. It's as if the noise he makes lets "her" know that he's pissed off at her. Maybe she'll hear it and apologize for whatever she did. Even if she's not home, he'll still slam things and curse with words I didn't even know he knew existed.

When he yells, my entire body tenses up. It's as if my heart jumps up into my throat and I cannot catch my breath. My hands start to sweat and I almost automatically start to look for something i can do to fix the situation. Maybe if I make the salad as quick as i can and as perfect as possible, he'll calm down. Maybe if i just stand still, he'll forget I'm there and disappear into his den.

I hate this...
1 eye| You read my eyes just like your diary

hm...is this me? [17 Aug 2006|08:58pm]
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

-------brown eyes------- people with brown eyes last the longest in relationships. they are very satisfying and love to please and can EXCEED your pleasure standards.


You are totally fucking marvellous!
You read my eyes just like your diary

[16 Aug 2006|04:17pm]
yay yay yay for the new job!

i'll be working for Cuyahoga Falls School District in an elementary school and a middle school as an "individual small group instructor" (ISGI). I'm SO excited. I get to go into the elementary school on friday to clean out my room (I HAVE A ROOM!!!!!) and get it set up/figure out what i want to buy for it.

I'm so pumped!!!!!!! Thanks for all the nice notes, girls. I love you!!!! :)
You read my eyes just like your diary

[14 Aug 2006|11:27pm]

yeah...it's me :)
4 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

[11 Aug 2006|11:35am]

did you know i need to find a full time job???

i had no idea, mom and dad. thanks for point it out every five seconds.

1 eye| You read my eyes just like your diary

[01 Aug 2006|01:07pm]
I'm at a cross roads.

Everyone else seems able to get jobs except for me...

i was contacted by the school in MD again.

My co-op said it best when she said "what's keeping you from taking it, other than the boyfriend?"

I dont want to say that is what is holding me back, but part of it is. I dont want to leave what is familiar. It's scary. I dont like that feeling...

I guess I'm just scared of the realization that life is changing...people are leaving...people are getting their own lives now.
1 eye| You read my eyes just like your diary

[24 Jul 2006|06:47am]
Paddy-Palooza was AMAZING!

it made me realize how much i miss Witt already :-/

I have a job interview today...i must get ready! :)
3 eyes| You read my eyes just like your diary

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